coochy coo

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 18:58:11 GMT

Glorioskee Zero! I just got the greatest email hug in the world!

It's been a short year, it's just wizzed by so fast I haven't nearly done all the things that I had planned to.

I've lost ground in some places but moved ahead miles in others so I'll call it a wash.

Things have been odd with my parents but they seem to be normalizing. It's just easier to think about moving out of state if they don't need so much care.

I'm new leafing. In previous new leafings I quit smoking, biting my nails, drinking 3 cokes every day.. stuff, really good stuff so it works. This is very encouraging (somewhat out of character for me) and this time I'm just doing little stuff, dishes and making the bed and taking my multivitimin stuff. I'd like to start doing yoga every day. Learning to write is out there as well as praps learning english more better.

Well, Happy Birthday me.

what's new

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:17:28 GMT

so, i'm chickenshit.. what's new..

So, it's been ages since I've done this regularly and well, I'm not sure if I should be saying this but what-the-hey; I can track the moment that I quit being open here to the moment that I discovered that I REALY liked a couple of the folks I was talking to at that time and I'd become comfortable in the community.. all of a sudden I have something to lose! So I clammed up -

Also I didn't want anything that I said to be interpreted as a message to one or another.. well if you, my sweet readers, will promise not to read anything here as a personal message to you I would like to resume my ungrammatical run-on ramblings here

just copied from the other place.. lazy but whatever

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:05:40 GMT

It is a funny thing that it's been so long since my last bloggage. Then it's all erased. Clean and clear.

I read back through my blog history. Not a big job but interesting that I felt the need to bolt once a month. I'm feeling so much more settled/comfortable with being a leather dyke.

I'm definately happier these days, doing less but that's the thing about being focussed. I'm done with school and am now just studying for the state licensing exam.

Before this little phase I was doing office chick stuff, so my wardrobe was almost entirely polyester pants and knit tops. Not what I would wear out in the world. For six months right out of that job I worked at making stained glass. The process of working with glass pretty much chewed up every other piece of clothing that I owned.

So now, I'm imagining a new career and moving to the west coast(wahoo! I do miss winters). For the first time in a couple years I'm thinking about buying clothes. The last eight or ten months have brought flirting and female attention. This makes me feel perty and feminine. It's having a strong influence in my likes and dislikes.

New things this month are. Single bladed razors way better than the double and tripple blades. Yes shave more often but nary an ingrown hair. Color Pulse from L'Oreal - wow! the best colour that I've found yet, such a sweet long lived violet. Anise and almond biscotti - almost better than sex and way better than chocolate, yes, i said it.. better than chocolate.

I'm in LOVE with http://www.sock-dreams.com

Dang, I could see having a fetish for thigh high socks. It's making me wonder if I'm too old for maryjanes and short skirts.

it's a beautiful world

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 01:28:20 GMT

got me a new cooler color..

U4EA

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 00:10:59 GMT

It's been a productive day. I'm trying to get back on track. There's a Good Eats marathon on the tube and to justify five hours of tv I have also done the laundry and a load of homework.

Not just anatomy homework but my wanna-be-a-better-person homework. So I'm sitting in the living room with my cup o'joe and books all around me, the kids are in heaven. Little dude is always complianing about me sitting in spots that he doesn't like(specifically the office). Side note: he is now making the sweet love to my new crocs - i like em too.

Hope 139

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 22:01:29 GMT

I quit smoking some time last December. Right now,I really want a cigarette.

The nutbar reason I haven't gotten one isn't my job or how other people view smokers, or my health.

Honestly, I never liked all the trash associated with it. The butt, thousands of them, and the paper and box wrapping every twenty cigarettes, the celophane around that pack and then the box that contains them.. and of course the case all of those get delivered in..

very nearly everything that we do is associated with, paper plastic, a box or what ever but it's easier to justify or weigh returns, but for smoking?

memememe

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 06:06:11 GMT

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now. (several somebodys)	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	× I own lots of books.
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (actually, i don't believe it but I act "as if")
✓ I curse sometimes. (may your face break out at a most inopportune moment..)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

× I have broken someone's bones.	× I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	✓ I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	✓ I need/want money right now.
× I love sushi. (Love is a very strong word.. like.. like a lot.. but love.. i wouldn't go that far)	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
✓ I have long hair. (depends on your point of view)	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	✓ I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
✓ I like the way that I look. (today)	✓ I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.	× I am usually pessimistic.
✓ I have a lot of mood swings.	✓ I think prostitution should be legalized.	✓ I slept with a roommate. (that's what room mates are for eh?)
✓ I have a hidden talent.	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	× I have a lot of friends.
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex.	× I enjoy talking on the phone.	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
× I have a mobile phone.	× I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	✓ I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone. (or two)	× I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	× I want to have children in the future. (eeek)
× I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn. (and how)	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	× I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
× I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	× I enjoy some country music.
✓ I would die for my best friends.	× I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
× I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	✓ I am happy at this moment. (in a bent, nutbar sort of way)
× I'm obsessed with guys.	× Democrat.	× Republican.
× I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish.	✓ I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
✓ I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	✓ I can work on a car. (i can work under a car as well)
✓ I love my job(s).	✓ I am comfortable with who I am right now.	× I have more than just my ears pierced.
✓ I walk barefoot wherever I can.	✓ I have jumped off a bridge.	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	× I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
✓ I hate office jobs.	× I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
× I am a pyro.	× I have thrown up from crying too much.	× I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
✓ I fall for the worst people.	✓ I adore bright colours.	✓ I usually like covers better than originals.
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	✓ I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse.	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	× I talk in my sleep.
✓ I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	× I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
✓ I have a tattoo.	× I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	× I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	✓ If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
✓ I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	× I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	✓ I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
✓ I have lived in either three different states or countries.	✓ I am extremely flexible.	× I love hugs more than kisses.
× I want to own my own business.	× I smoke. (no.. but i miss it something awful)	✓ I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
× Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
✓ I like the way women look in stylized men's suits. (yummmmy)	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	× I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
✓ I have played strip poker with someone else before.	× I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	× I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
× I can't stand being alone.	× I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
× I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	✓ I'm a judgmental asshole.	× I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
✓ I have travelled on more than one continent.	× I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	× I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
✓ I am a Libertarian.	× I can speak more than one language.	✓ I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
× I would rather read than watch TV.	× I like reading fact more than fiction.	× I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
× I have no piercings.	× I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	✓ I have hit someone with a dead fish.
✓ I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	× I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	× I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
× I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	✓ I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
✓ Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	✓ I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	× I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
✓ I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	✓ I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	× I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	✓ I've gone skinny-dipping.	× I've performed in three plays.
✓ I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.	✓ I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	✓ Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	× Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
✓ I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	✓ I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
× I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	× I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	× I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
× Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	× Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

Eiffel Tower

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 21:20:29 GMT

To-do
item #284805 - see the Eiffel Tower

I used to associate an ex lover with the Eiffel tower.. cuz, I mostly saw her from below.. looking up

It was sensational but it didn't last. It was understood when we got started that the relationship wasn't serious, I was in love but not unrealistic.

Edit - Edit - Edit - Edit - Oh, EDIT -

I'm feeling much better but it's only been a day away from a really low, low.. wow, I've just had an awesome nap and eaten a cup of hummus and I'm feeling loose and satisfied.

I miss my friend in Florida but I never see her on the weekends anyway.. pout.. sometimes I wish I was a cute little puppy.. she's a sucker for dawgs .. how about a crested?

Smooches Dahlings.. wish I could live on both coasts, then again.. maybe

WHAT E-V-E-R

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 04:49:34 GMT

Oh, I am soooo sorry that I've dropped off lately I'm kinda having a split personality thing.. on the one hand it's been a good life.. the world is beautiful and treating me well.. but the waiting is eating up all my happyhappy

i'm perty happy with my special friends.. yup, they're still so very sweet..

proly going north to visit some of the folks up there and check out the neighborhood to see if it's a go to move there

It's just been a really long few months, i'm really looking forward to actually working at a job and getting a paycheck.. i realize it was a deal i made. but i'm getting nervous, it feels like i'm not pulling my own weight and i'm getting anxiety problems and i need a cigarette

anyhow.. i do still love my life.. it's just i don't feel quite comfy right now and I really hate to write when i aint got good news

Wed, 17 May 2006 16:54:54 GMT

I'm droopy today, no, unhinged - it's as though i am weary right down to the bone.

I don't feel like I've slept in a week, come to think of it, it's been a couple days since i showered and brushed my teeth.. oh, i need to get out of the house.. bye, ta, later.. this machine is eating my soul.

ps
smooches Ma

Mon, 15 May 2006 00:57:18 GMT

ooh, I'm having a good time of it.. it's a beautiful world, i got sweet friends all over the continent, I'm feeling better everday.. Eddy Izzard on the tube being clever, windows are open and it's breezy.. oh yeah and that dirty minded penpal is just so delicious..

tomorrow: to do, look for work

swing low

Fri, 05 May 2006 17:48:10 GMT

My heart is so full, affection is falling from my eyes...

Yeah, it's been a back and forth kinda mood like week, probably hormones. I'm feeling insecure.. perhaps it is all the boxes in my bedroom. They aren't mine but I am responsible. There are so many things that I feel responsible for but unable to handle. Maybe that is what is causing this unease. Perhaps it is because there are so many people that I feel so very close to.. and I am so isolated and have a hard time reaching out.... it's so scary.. and shit, but everyone is so far away..

Yup, it's a mood.. hopefully it's going to rain today and it'll be a good day to cry and nap.

Thu, 04 May 2006 19:16:37 GMT

my dears, sorry for yesterday, I was blue and having a pitty party. Mamela remided me that there are people who care about me, and I got a nice virtual hug before bed so all is well.

cutting

Wed, 03 May 2006 22:21:18 GMT

Wow, I just had the most delicious fantasy about being cut.. would you believe it? I'm thinking about a design that i might like, which leads to the process and watching her face .. this is all so very new and i'm skeered and excited and hopeful and tr

oh, i want to be held.. i think that is what i miss the most about this solitary life i have.

no one ever touches me. I wonder what it is that i do that sets up this dynamic?

oooowww that hurts

Mon, 01 May 2006 03:23:28 GMT

Dang, it was a baaad weekend but i lost weight so it ain't all bad.

I've been napping for a couple days now and I sorta lost a day somewhere.. it's been good, i've been drinking V8 and eating precious little else

Tried to go shopping today.. couldn't keep up with dad had to sit it out.. I'm just being a baby. I like think it's got to do with a reawakening of the goddess within(sorta like godzilla).. it's been suggested that it may be peri-menopause.. my luck

well, the next beverage is sleepytime tea..

I love this world

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 21:58:01 GMT

So, I decided last night that i was going to have to go out and get a sales job of some sort, target or walmart and this morning my dad totalled his car on his way to work. So there goes my transportation plans and then I thought about it.. he wasn't even bruised.. and since i'm just now free he can use my car.. lucky shit .. and i am thankful

I just snapped at my sister.. she wants what she wants and she wants it now, she didn't even ask if dad was ok. I shouldn't take it out on her, I just worry about what is going to happen when I leave, who is going to take care of her.

Dang, i have a headache and I shouldn't be rambling. too many dot dot dots, lazy punctuating

long days

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 04:16:02 GMT

Well, my slacking life is nearly done, i'm so excited.. wahoo.. I still expect that it might still be september before i get my papers to

I've got so much good happening right now, it's hard to bear and difficult not to listen for the other shoe to fall

For all that, i am extraordinarily happy. I love giving massages, absolutely, and my luck is back. Must be doing something right.

I just feel like well.. never mind, but it is very good

yeah, what e-v-e-r

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 05:53:09 GMT

I smiled and said all the most sincere crap.. the owner of the scool, had to have one last shot before I walked out the door.. I wonder if she knew that I have been vasilating between staying and bolting.. how sweet of ther to make it easier by giving a nagging about my attitude problem. She had tears in her eyes, I had hurt her feelings. GROW UP! G-E-T A L-I-F-E She ruined a perfectly lovely post massage glow.

It's been ten hours, two cookies and a couple glasses of wine now and I can see it as a relief. I was stressing out about their relaxed attitude toward my next classes..When? Praps May but more likely in June.. Aaaargg

The world is spinning faster and faster.. today, my last massage as an apprentice was on a new client, she smelled like an old flame, it was incredible the trip I went on. It's made me mushy today, probably still coming down from that hormone rush last week.. I crashed bad and now it's mellowed into warm fuzzies.

Don't take this the wrong way but i should be tied up and spanked

nosh

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 00:48:50 GMT

I am quite unbalanced, it's absolutely fabulous really. I feel that i am coming back to my body after being gone for a long time, it's also because I am developing a pash on someone which is putting me in a new delicious mind as well..

feeling quilty - got a sewing project that is almost done boiling up.. a quilt of tea cups, spoons and kettles.. it's going to be fantastic

i've had too much coffee and will most likely stay up too late bummer

divine

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 21:43:07 GMT

So I drew a card today.. Ace of Swords -
It is vital to clear up any misunderstandings so you can get on the same page.
The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.
The Ace of Swords in this position indicates a pathway to a mutual destination that zigs and zags... It's all too easy to lose touch with one another along the way. It takes a lot of trust and empathy to stay connected while having different experiences moment to moment.

-----------
geez does the path zig and zag.. I'm having a wee problem with this long distance communication thing.. I'm not so goodly with words sometimes and what I really have just a pat on the back.. or a hug.. not being in the same place and moving in the same direction sometimes gives the feeling of passing in the corridor.. good and sad.. I shall endeavor to make this different

g'morning sunshine!

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 17:58:36 GMT

Happy, happy,

It's a good morning already. Got a call from the school, a client asked for me.. My ego has been a little bruised from where two clients didn't ask for me that I expected would.

I'm three quarters of the way through. Almost time to take the exam - I'm looking at schools for the next level should start in June.

Got to get to work on the savings of funds for trips to the coast, moving and school - oh yeah and living expenses.

jot this down

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 17:25:48 GMT

I've gotten out of the habit of doing this journal thing, my apologies.

Gotten out of the habit of saying anything substantive.

Just a guess but it may be partly avoidance of scary topics but mostly, I have been depressed.. not sad, not working through shit but just not enough light in my life, depressed.

That's too simplistic.. much of the time i've just been floating, mostly peaceful. I haven't been in the here and now, so writing about what's going on is a moot point. The distant future is where my mind is, has been for a while.. Where will I go? What will it be like? How will I get there? Who can I play with?

I've been roiling, a dozen emotions all at once. For the most part it's all good, I've been feeling generally good.

So I've been in energy saving mode for a year, just dealing with what I must to get through. My friends haven't been getting real letters/calls from me and my family hasn't been getting real attention. I'm wondering if this isn't a cycle I go through; needing contact, making contact, slowly withdrawing - rinse and repeat.

OMG! I'm a yo-yo

It's all the jumble of feelings.. i'm afraid, afraid that is all there is to me, afraid of getting close, afraid of never getting close.

Slow perkolating..
ya know 2% of this current mood is a recent contact with someone so feminine, so graceful that I can't help but feel like an ogre, ugly and clumsy..

Do you suffer from UMS(ugly mood swings)?

********

REPORT... I have had a wonderful day and have a better perspective.. not so different just a little better

bla bla bla

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 17:37:29 GMT

Nuffin, same old stuff.

Cleaning house, packing, reorganizing the crap, trying to see how far I can simplify.

Working for no money looking forward to rubbing oil on folks for real cash.

So that's the ticket, still chatting up the nice people.. feeling hopeful about one, feeling lucky about another.. Still confident about moving to Seattle..

I'm totally blank.. tired, achy, no nuthin to say.

Evil Live

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 04:14:49 GMT

So, every day as I'm driving to the massage school I pass the offices of Halliburton(www.halliburtonwatch.org)usually I spit.. but for some bizarro reason today I decided to send them healing energy and a wee prayer.. It's corny, but I felt better for it.

It's a wonderful gorgeous day. I had a fabulous time with an old friend yesterday. We just went shopping and had lunch but I laughed until my ribs hurt and then some more.

Snagged from my LeaterDyke log

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 18:08:22 GMT

Oy, my back is killing me.. I could really use a massage..

They worked me hard today, I only had 3 clients but each were an hour and a half and it was the first time I'd had more than one hour of massage at a time. eek!

I dragged my poor sad ass home only to find the electricity out on my entire block. So, I went straight to bed.. but sleep eluded me, I was thinking about bondage. So I got up and went to Home Despot and all I really wanted rope but needed a good excuse to go out in the middle of the night.

Rope. A wacky mood, that. All of a sudden I'm crocheting a nice little skirt out of the sweetest purple rope.. wiggle, tighten, ugh, it was so wonderful. All of a sudden I felt beautiful, graceful, elegent. It was the same feeling when I got my first evening gown. My whole day melted away. Magic

The best part was after I pulled the rope off, extinguished the light and crawled into bed. I could still feel the ropes. I floated just above the bed in my snug hobble skirt. A delicious way to end a hard day.